Thursday, February 18, 2010

remembering winter

After the Winter MUST come spring. Change. It comes eventually....

Today for the first time in months I could smell the heat in the air. Feel the warmth of the sun on my skin with no bitter cold chilling my bones.

Ah Spring. How could I have forgotten you?

Its days like this that seem perfectly suited for pondering. For mulling over emotions and what not.

What I am reminded of today is that not that long ago I was desperately trying to come out of a dark place in my life. A time where the feeling of sad felt more like home and I had a hard time leaving that home for whatever reason. I was at a point where I was verbally crying out for help and instead of getting help from others I somehow got other sad people to enter my world. And that is indeed dangerous. That old saying is very true- Misery does love company.

Or was it rather that those that hurt like I did and were sad like I was didn't know how to help?? Perhaps they intended good but simply could not make the invisible burden I carried any lighter. Perhaps, they too, wanted to unload some of their own invisible burden and I simply had no more ability to carry? Not so much malicious as it was bad timing....maybe....

I see budding blades of bright green grass sprouting amongst the yellow, dry and in all appearances- DEAD- grass.... I was dead once. On the inside. But like these blades of grass I wasn't really dead. Just waiting for that warmth to come through to re-ignite growth.

What changed?

Well, to be honest, I just decided it had to change. Without any word. I stopped crying for help and instead turned within. Using any and all artforms at hand to work within myself and let everyone and everything go. I left that sad place as my home. I let it go. In the very instant I did this, something interesting happened.

Everything I had prayed for while I was stuck on sad came to pass. REALLY!
For years I prayed for a physical home of my own that I can change at will. I got it. I had been praying for good friends that are not functioning out of insecurity and though I had to rid my life of those that are functioning from insecurity, I have that friend. Be she just passing through this time in my life or one of those friends that will be in the same nursing home as I am, she is wonderful and so healing. A true sister.

My children are all in good schools. I don't sit and question if I am educating them socially as well as academically. I prayed for that feeling of lack to be made whole. And it was.

I lost 12 lbs without working out.
I fell in love with my husband even deeper than I imagined I could.
I don't go into sugar low anymore.
I feel good without coffee in the morning.
I don't question my own ability anymore.
I love myself again.
I have something to give to the world again.

All this and more happened within a short period of just 4 months after mentally making the firm decision to just let go of every tortuous emotion I was hanging on to. Walking away from friends, family and other relationships at risk of facing the feeling of "being alone"....

I did it and I got everything I had ever asked for. God was listening. He was just waiting for me to finally be able to receive.

I feel so overwhelmingly blessed now. It is a reason to get up with a smile every single day. I love my life and am so glad I didn't give in to winter and stay in the sad places. I let in the sun and now everything that is naturally beautiful is blooming.

If you ever find yourself in "winter" remember spring must come. The light will find a way in. Eventually, when you are ready to let it in.

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