Thursday, March 18, 2010


I am grateful of many things.

And sometimes pain reminds you of what to be grateful for, that perhaps, you overlooked before.

The other morning I woke in the most unlovely panic. Pain starting at my side and within hours moved to where I think Is my bladder. Kidney stone?
Most likely.

Painful? indeed.

but contrary to popular belief I don't think it is at all bad as childbirth as you often hear.
Perhaps I have a smaller stone that is passing through or that I maybe have a higher threshold for pain or something but it is not at all like childbirth of which I did naturally twice. Quite not by choice. No. this pain is annoying and unpredictable at best. It makes me cry when I am tired and want to sleep and the throbbing from within wakes me up. But is basically a picnic under the stars compared to labor and delivery.

But in my gasping and praying loudly through tears I found for instance I am grateful that I'm not paralyzed or was ever blinded by some wretched accident..... Thankful I'm not allergic to my own tears like that girl on that episode ripleys believe it or not I caught the other day. Glad I am not really "lost in space" like Will Robinson was. I do have a strong fear of robots you know. Oh so I'm also very grateful that we, as human beings, don't have robots as predicted by the Jetsons or that we have flying cars and wear stupid jackets that automatically fit tosize like Back to the Future 2 which by the way was only set in the year 2015. Yes very thankful for these things indeed.

Oddly enough in my wrenching I found myself thinking of the most interesting things which lead to more deeper wounds that I had all but forgotten in the moment. Suddenly my mothers manic depression that confuses the crap out of me still to this day- isn't the worst thing to happen.
My adopted fathers lack of interest and communication and self deprecating behavior- suddenly is not the worst thing to happen.

Oh and Running for 30 minutes on the treadmill and doing it daily- a breeze. a joy even. I can't wait to do it again!

I'm alive. I'm well. IN pain but alive.

and for discovering these lovely thoughts I am grateful.

So I pushed myself today to get out of bed, as the pain has mostly subsided, meaning that I most likely passed the darn thing but my insides still feel swollen. I am keeping my mind in check so that I don't imagine the worst. The doctors are of no help. I went to my general practitioner "take these antibiotics and go see the gyno" I went to the gynecologist "take these other antibiotics and go home. No ultrasound. No worry. take these and DON'T call me in the morning.
Modern Medicine- HA! The quacks.
I threw them both away and am flushing my body with fluids and positive thoughts and relying on God. This has never failed me. I go to the doctor to shut everyone up but I always end up having to rely on the Almighty and positive thinking anyway.

Today I finished grouting tile in my brand new master shower! Yes I did!
I also covered the walls in my little master bath with cement board because we are going to cover the walls in the entire bathroom with tile! I've never been able to make my living space into my own dream but I am now. Pain or not. I am grateful that I can move and get out of bed and that creating anything and in any way takes the pain away. No drugs for me folks. Art is my cure. For everything!

I find myself going incognito on facebook lately. I just dont have the need for farmville anymore like I once did. again I am grateful. I find myself not logging on to the computer at all. I used to almost have withdrawals last year if I didn't habitually hit "refresh" all day! LOL

I am sewing too! Yes I am! I have big plans. I must contact a certain lovely bowmaker soon to see if she can conjure up some bow magic again. But this time will be more grand and more plucked from my own imagination than ever. I can't wait to see how it will turn out!

I am leisurely creating again. My world becomes more beautiful by the day.

And Again...... I am so very grateful.

What are you grateful for?

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