Thursday, April 22, 2010

saying goodbye... again

Today is the day I am letting myself feel sad about a very sad thing to me.

My new and wonderful friend B is moving away. Its a new friendship and so far has been so fun and wonderful but it seems that she has more in common with me than I wanted. Like she seems to attract people that want to badly to control her and can't so they react very wrong. They set her new car on fire in front of her house in the middle of the night.

Yeah, I've had mine keyed and my tires slashed repeatedly by a friend that I had to let go of because she was destructive to my life. So I know what she is feeling now.

Sad, scared, paranoid- not sure who she can trust around her. Can't sleep wondering if they will take a more drastic step. She has two precious daughters that she fears for. So I know exactly what she is feeling and cannot blame her for wanting to move closer to family and start fresh and not let anyone from her past know where she is. Except me, because I get to help her move! Bittersweet.

So today I will sit and just let the sad out and work through it. And have some peace so I won't show it to my friend. The last thing she needs is me making her feel guilty about moving. After all she was a block away from me when her car was attacked and I couldn't help her. I had turned off my cell phone. I feel bad. But I have another friend that is going through issues that sometimes calls at one o'clock in the morning to tell me she thinks she will sell her sketches of her dogs on ebay. OK so you have issues. I'll just turn off my phone I figured. But that made things worse for my new friend. She felt alone in her time of need and she is moving a block away from her aunt and uncle that seem to parent her in place of her parents that are down state.

I get that! Man I wish I had that when I was going through some rough times. So I am glad for her that her family is so caring and together and love her so much they want her to be close. Sometimes people are born into a family that has more than enough to give and sometimes you are like me, born into a family that believes if they help you, you won't learn. They simply don't have much to give. Just criticism and judgment if you dare to let them know what you are thinking or feeling.

Tough love is indeed tough.

But all is not lost, just a quick 30 minute drive on the freeway and I can visit with my friend again! Its just hard because her daughters are also my daughters best friends. I feel their pain, not wanting to think of life without them. I know that the freeway drives are the last part in saying goodbye for good. I have said goodbye many times and know that the longer the distance the harder to bond. Eventually life will get busy. They will go to a new school and make new friends and though not intended, one day we will lose touch long enough that one day we will feel like strangers.

Ive done this enough times in my life that I can call it! I did go to 7 different elementary schools and moved about 16 times after that. So you get a feel for these things. The only thing you never get is how to not let it hurt anymore. I thought I might grow used to it but I haven't.

So now is the time I get used to being alone again. This time it isn't so bad. I went to the gym alone and I got the courage to go eat breakfast alone. I rather liked the quiet and time to just people watch and ponder things. Who knows? I may grow to love it! Artists are often loners aren't they?? LOL

Oh and I'm working on a lovely commissioned piece. Its near completion. All this alone time gave me time to work on it fully and I LOVE it!

But not today. today is the day I let the sad out.

Till the sadness subsides


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