Tuesday, October 11, 2011

And the sky is so much more blue....

 So I had a Mammogram done today. My first one. Yeah it was nerve wrecking. Not so much the painful squishing of my boobs after having them manhandled by the technicians but it was the waiting. The many patients there and their stories. I was taken into a room where I was to change and put on a nice kimono style top with no bra or shirt on underneath. Then I sat in another waiting room with other women decked out in the same vomit pink smocks.
 I conversated with one delightful woman with a thick German accent. She was very honest and very direct about everything she talked about and had absolutely no boundaries but I appreciated her for distracting me from slipping into a depression while I waited, thinking of the large banner they had there with the statistics in bold print "1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer"....ugh I know I KNOW...I just don't want to think of it.
 ANyhow there were many other women waiting in the freeflowing boob smock waiting area. We all had a look of terror and sympathy for eachother. I tell you I have never seen so many women be so very nice to eachother. Its a shame when something as serious as death forces us to put our insecurities aside so we can enjoy eachother. I mean no body wants that kind of kharma on them right? We gotta be civil to eachother. We all know what we are doing there. We all know we may be looking at the 1 in 8. And we may be looking at the one that will die before next year. OR we may be the ones dying.

The mammogram center is a humble place full of civility. If I had not been there for my own life I would have never known what awesome pool of human connection resides there. Though bittersweet. True compassion is indeed found there. The "playing field" , so to speak, is indeed leveled.

So as I waited, I hear a woman leaving saying "... and God bless me!" Then I could hear sobbing and then I heard the nurse say "Oh, are you ok?" and she said with a trembling voice "I just can't believe it is gone! I can't believe it!" So I had to look and she was thin and frail looking and the tears in her eyes matched mine at that point. I was crying. I put a magazine in my face just as quick as I could. Which now seems silly. I should have gotten up and congratulated her! Silly me.
But anyway, that voice, that joy that sound of all she had gone through and her finally being well... It is resounding within my soul today. I just can't remember what silly thing I was worried about before going there today?

And by the way, my boobies are cancer free! Yes I can make my plans and carry them out....for now. But I am aware of how fragile life is. Just how precious my time really is. Just how wonderful being on this planet is.
 I think I will live for all of those that have lost their lives to cancer. I feel you today. I don't know why you were chosen and I was spared. I shall live for you and see, hear, taste and smell everything in a new way because of you.

I heard this on a documentary I was watching last week, in my efforts to seek out a good cancer treatment program, just in case, and I came across the Gerson Therapy which, if I had gotten the bad news that I did have Cancer that I would fly to Tijuana and check myself in WAY before I would submit to chemo and radiation. I watched my grandfather go through it and everyone was upset when he said that he wouldn't do any more of it. I totally got why he did chose not to.

Back to my point, I watched 3 or 4 food and nutrition documentaries on Netflix that lead me to buying a juicer earlier this year. I juice faithfully and have lost 30+ pounds and got rid of my depression that always has seemed to loomed over me since I had my last child in 2004.

So last week, in my research of the Gerson Therapy I came across and watched the doc entitled "Dying to know" that shows the story behind Gerson Therapy and the many people that have proof that they were cured from cancer using whole and organic foods. And the point of the modern american medical community not using it. I found it very interesting how upset people get when talking about it. My personal experience leads me to believe that it is true, being that I found healing in just the simple juice regimen that I practice with a cheap juicer and the changes I have made to my diet.

 At the end of this documentary were the most profound words that I have ever heard. I felt compelled to type them out for you.  SO I leave you with them hoping that you are looking at life with a new, more positive perspective as well...

For each of us eventually whether we are ready or not, someday it will come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.
 Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or owed.
Your grudges resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too your hopes, plans, ambitions, to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won't matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won't matter if you are beautiful or brilliant. Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter?

How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought but what you built.
Not what you got but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success but your significance.
Not what you learned but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew but how many will feel a lasting loss when you are gone.
What will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those that love you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered and by whom and for what.
A life lived that matters is not of circumstance but of choice.

- Steve Kroschel, from the film "Dying to Know"

Friday, October 7, 2011

A moment of clarity

 Sorry I have neglected this wonderful blog again for a very long time. I wanted to write but the timing wasn't right and the words would get lost along the way...

 Earlier this week I got the most interesting news that could go either way...a little funny lump in my breast made itself known and then they gave me 6 days of waiting before the mammogram appointment....which probably means more waiting until I know what the lump is saying exactly....am I fine but just more lumpy than normal? Am I in for a fight? or am I facing the actuality of death?

The wait is so long....

Literally a million things run through my mind as I weigh each possibility. Then I think of how this new would effect others, especially those I love and I break down.

I can't help it. I have very few that I have been able to really love and care for in my life, meaning that I could trust them and their love, and to feel that even though it wasn't my choice to be sick, to know that something I have would cause pain to them....well its quite upsetting to say the least.

I mean I know I am strong, I have faith and positivity that would certainly carry me through a fight with cancer. I feel that. But I am also aware that WE ALL DIE. It comes to us all and when its time to go...well its just time to go and there is nothing you can do about it.

So here we are with another epiphany....love and trust.

They go hand in hand. I have a large family full of beautiful personalities and immense love. But it is a love that I have grown not to trust. You see there are moments when these people open up and are so loving and supportive and just as strongly they can become quiet and coy and leave you wondering what horrible act you have committed to cause such cold and hateful behavior. Of which you will never know because NO ONE will tell you. They judge and gossip and talk amongst themselves and never talk about it with the person of whom they are condemning!!! I know this because I have been on the judgement end. figuring if I go along with their attitude at least I won't be on the outs and they will love me for it......ummm....wrong!

It is so crazy because the most judgmental of all members of my family are people that quote the bible, go to church, have Masters degrees and even doctorates in family social sciences...... so you can't help but to ask WHAT THE HELL? LOL

So in the contemplation of telling others I have realized that I won't be telling my family. My mother and sister are the exception and everyone on my fathers side I trust their love enough to know that they would genuinely care if I was sick. But there is something that disgusts me knowing that my maternal grandmother, aunts, great aunts and uncles, cousins and second and  even third cousins on that side would either start showing love so that they don't feel guilty or just still sit in their judgement knowing that I was suffering and not reaching out, to show me how wrong I was in whatever it was they decided I did. Its been silent for a while now. After a brief moment of gushing over me last year when my knee was injured. So I know now that I cannot trust them. Not one of them. Their mental issues and insecurities reign with an iron fist. I can't put something like my life out there to see if they really love me. I already know that they do, somewhere in their black little hearts, so I have had to make peace with that and let that be enough...

and you know what?

it is.

In this time I have had to look at who I DO have. and I have a few people but they are truly genuine in their caring and have never shown otherwise, even when my own insecurities pushed them as far as I could to make sure that they were real. (Yeah I have done a LOT of growing over the years) These people are truly good hearted and kind and somehow they love me. I mean really and truly they do!

So next week I get the mammogram and the results so if this was all just a reminder of how precious life is....then I am THANKFUL. Life is precious and I see that there is an endless pool of goodness and joy out there. One must just look for it. Tune into it and you will find that it is infinite.

with that I hope I leave you with some good food for thought....where does your focus lie?

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