Friday, October 7, 2011

A moment of clarity

 Sorry I have neglected this wonderful blog again for a very long time. I wanted to write but the timing wasn't right and the words would get lost along the way...

 Earlier this week I got the most interesting news that could go either way...a little funny lump in my breast made itself known and then they gave me 6 days of waiting before the mammogram appointment....which probably means more waiting until I know what the lump is saying I fine but just more lumpy than normal? Am I in for a fight? or am I facing the actuality of death?

The wait is so long....

Literally a million things run through my mind as I weigh each possibility. Then I think of how this new would effect others, especially those I love and I break down.

I can't help it. I have very few that I have been able to really love and care for in my life, meaning that I could trust them and their love, and to feel that even though it wasn't my choice to be sick, to know that something I have would cause pain to them....well its quite upsetting to say the least.

I mean I know I am strong, I have faith and positivity that would certainly carry me through a fight with cancer. I feel that. But I am also aware that WE ALL DIE. It comes to us all and when its time to go...well its just time to go and there is nothing you can do about it.

So here we are with another and trust.

They go hand in hand. I have a large family full of beautiful personalities and immense love. But it is a love that I have grown not to trust. You see there are moments when these people open up and are so loving and supportive and just as strongly they can become quiet and coy and leave you wondering what horrible act you have committed to cause such cold and hateful behavior. Of which you will never know because NO ONE will tell you. They judge and gossip and talk amongst themselves and never talk about it with the person of whom they are condemning!!! I know this because I have been on the judgement end. figuring if I go along with their attitude at least I won't be on the outs and they will love me for it......ummm....wrong!

It is so crazy because the most judgmental of all members of my family are people that quote the bible, go to church, have Masters degrees and even doctorates in family social sciences...... so you can't help but to ask WHAT THE HELL? LOL

So in the contemplation of telling others I have realized that I won't be telling my family. My mother and sister are the exception and everyone on my fathers side I trust their love enough to know that they would genuinely care if I was sick. But there is something that disgusts me knowing that my maternal grandmother, aunts, great aunts and uncles, cousins and second and  even third cousins on that side would either start showing love so that they don't feel guilty or just still sit in their judgement knowing that I was suffering and not reaching out, to show me how wrong I was in whatever it was they decided I did. Its been silent for a while now. After a brief moment of gushing over me last year when my knee was injured. So I know now that I cannot trust them. Not one of them. Their mental issues and insecurities reign with an iron fist. I can't put something like my life out there to see if they really love me. I already know that they do, somewhere in their black little hearts, so I have had to make peace with that and let that be enough...

and you know what?

it is.

In this time I have had to look at who I DO have. and I have a few people but they are truly genuine in their caring and have never shown otherwise, even when my own insecurities pushed them as far as I could to make sure that they were real. (Yeah I have done a LOT of growing over the years) These people are truly good hearted and kind and somehow they love me. I mean really and truly they do!

So next week I get the mammogram and the results so if this was all just a reminder of how precious life is....then I am THANKFUL. Life is precious and I see that there is an endless pool of goodness and joy out there. One must just look for it. Tune into it and you will find that it is infinite.

with that I hope I leave you with some good food for thought....where does your focus lie?


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