Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Dreamy state of being...

So I have found myself wanting to lose myself in paint. That is, to be so into creating a piece that I lose myself and am ever so happy to do so. I do not find reality until the piece is done or I have to pee.

 Peeing is such a nuisance when you are completely enveloped into the world of art. But I am a total herbal tea addict as well as an art addict....*sigh* alas the two addictions of mine interrupt eachother...whats a girl to do?

 So I paint, then drink tea, then I paint some more and then I pee, then I paint...well you get the whole vicious cycle thing I am desperately trying to make sound more interesting...

 Here is my latest ever evolving piece....(I apologize in advance for the crappy cell phone photos)

in Oils... on black canvas...*oh the delight of black canvas!!*

She started like this...

 And is evolving into this....oh such a strange and lovely thing she is and I LOVE her to death!

I am not nearly finished loving her. I will share more as her and I grow together and figure out what story she and I have been wanting to tell....

 And for this weeks Musical Muse- well visual and musical muse it has all been

Coco Rosie

and I especially LOVE to see this video on repeat. The visual does amazing things to my brain I tell ya. AMAZING.

Yes it seems music has much to do with the art process. At least in my brain it does.
And I am happy that it does.

So all is quiet and happy here in my healing art land. I've gotten most of my shopping done for Christmas. Looking forward to my kids faces on Christmas morning. Those are the BEST moments in life in my opinion.
Just painting and moving along in my dreamy state of being here in my home studio.
OH this is new- I no longer feel nervous and anxious as I did this last year. Its been a hell of a journey, but sometimes tough journeys are just the thing we need to show us how amazing we truly are. Even if only to show ourselves, it is worth it to absolutely know how wonderful and strong and powerful you are. I am grateful to know exactly how amazing I am now.

With that I return to my painting....sending all light and love to you.

Until we meet again,


Sunday, November 17, 2013

my creepy trees...

 So I have found myself imagining and painting what I imagine with the greatest of ease. Yesterday I finally got my creepy tree landscape out of my brain. Oh it was quite satisfying, as any artist knows, its not always easy to get what you imagine out in the way that you imagined it, bit I did!  This 2 piece work reminds me of something my mother always told me that I had said when I was just 4. She says I was coloring a forest scene with crayons and I colored my trees blue and my mother, in her critical, yet loving ways that are still very much prevalent said to me "Honey trees are green, not blue." Which I promptly told her in response "The trees can be blue, they are MY trees and they can be blue if I want them to be blue."   oooh buuuurn. lol Just kidding. Well mostly.

So these are MY creepy little trees.

 Been really in the mood for the band "Grouplove" lately. It seems when I am listening to these songs, my mind just creates and my hands happily oblige and what results makes my heart whole again. It really activates the "right brain" so to speak.....

 I dreamed of my creepy little tree forest and now I can see it in reality. Today I shall add color to it and whatever else my brain can think up! :-)

Oh and here is my current favorite song by Grouplove, of whom, by the way, my 15 year old daughter introduced me to. She is turning out to be a very good influence on I know I have talked about how we struggled when she hit 13 and went "boy crazy" and it seemed that she was breaking my heart but now I see that she was just breaking free...cutting the apron strings....etc. and now we have reached a happy medium of living, I am truly looking forward to our future. Our every strengthening friendship, as well as our mother and daughter bond. I am really proud of the person that she is.

Anyway back to Grouplove and their fun song Ways to go. Which seems to perfect in my life right now, well in life in general, in some areas you've got a little bit longer until its over and in some areas you've got a ways to go. So when I hear this song it comforts me. Yep, I've got a little bit longer...wait, nope. I've got a ways to go! lol Plus the video is cute. :-)

 So I am off to create more art today. Tea in hand and playlist going. Life is good!

What are you up to today?

 Happy Sunday!



Friday, October 4, 2013


Centering, by this I mean grounding, balance, gaining clarity...etc.... you get it, I hope.

  The last few months have been a whirlwind of breaking down and being made whole again, but different, stronger and more mindful now.

 I believe that I am on the track of what I call  mindful living. Which is living for the present, not the past and not so much the future but to make the best of the hours that I have been given today, with gratitude and with purpose.

 I have spent a great deal of time reflecting upon the past. Given the anxiety I was diagnosed with forced me to do so. All I knew is that I didn't want to live with this crazy tightness in my chest and heart racing for no apparent reason and I DO want to sleep well without medication, so the only answer that I could find was to DEAL.

 Yes it seems it was high time that I sat and looked at all of me right dead in the face and confronted every single feeling of uneasiness, feeling of guilt, feeling of pain,including past pain and regret and trace each one to its origin and pick that event apart and release it.

 Of course with all of the many situations that I have been through and people that I have loved and lost in one way or the other- there was plenty on my plate!

 This would also attribute to my memory loss of the last 10 years or so. I have met people from my past that felt that they had a close relationship with me, that I could not recall for the life of me, spending one moment with them. EVER. Which I found disturbing as all hell! Also having said this I have had bad memories, that I had suppressed so deeply that they would completely floor me when, for no apparent reason they just came back to my mind with such clarity that it was unnerving to say the least.

 So here I am. Starting new again. Looking at all my mistakes and my triumphs and finding that I can and even want to embrace them, Why? because they are all what makes me...well. ME. And I am grateful for that.

 Most importantly my past is no longer tied up in my future, in my mind at least, it was and that is a mistake for anyone to make....

Validation- I've struggled with it for most of my life. I now can remember the exact time in my life when all the other people around me would or could not validate me for some reason. Whether it was my Aunts, cousins, parents, friends, I felt small and like what I felt and thought didn't matter to anyone. Now that I look back, yeah none of these people did offer any sort of validation but here is the kicker- what really mattered was how I felt about me. I didn't know that back then- that in the end, true validation comes from within. There is no way around that. If you are seeking a reason to love yourself through other people then you will forever be seeking, like a black hole, forever searching so desperately perhaps finding it in moments but never stopping because real love, well it only can come from yourself first. If you truly love yourself, then you will not feel the need to jump through hoops for others to look at you and say "Hey, you are amazing!" and then expect that at that moment you will finally begin to feel like "yeah I am amazing". NO that is not how it happens at all.

 What it's like is- One day you have to stop every "hoop jumping" activity, in order to gain that false feeling of "love" that you have been cycling through as long as you can remember. One day you have to stop and take a REAL look at yourself and try to see only the good things about yourself. You will find there are many if THIS is your focus....and it starts from there. Over time, you begin to see it in your face, your eyes have more joy, then others will take notice. Over more time, if you keep on looking at the good in you and finding more and more, you will feel it. That's the self love I am talking about here. Knowing that you, right now, are good and all the past, even the not so good stuff, brought you to this moment and guess what? You ARE good and loved and lovable and absolutely AMAZING! Without anyone else ever noticing it! Once you truly feel it, no other can give it to you but now you know what there is to love about you and you can accept that and nothing less!

 I used to know all of this at one time. In fact it took me experiencing the devastation of letting go of a 4 year long intense but highly toxic marriage, many years ago, for me to really start to find out how to love myself and I did that!
  But somewhere along the way I forgot it. I reverted to childhood I suppose and started to remember the feelings of not being validated and let those old habits come in. It probably started with my career plans not going as I had planned, when life seemed to spiral out of control then with an unplanned pregnancy and then marrying my husband but not in the dream wedding I had hoped for and not under the circumstances that I swore I would re-marry under....
 I laugh now because none of those silly details mattered. I have a great marriage now and great kids and though I struggle with validation being a stay at home mom versus being a career mom, making money and buying nicer things- well recently I have learned that it was all worth it. Me putting EVERYTHING into these kids and my family. Everyone, even people that really seemed to dislike me, have told me how wonderful my kids are and how lucky we are to have such a good marriage.
 My response is - Shit, luck had nothing to do with it! I have put my ALL into this ON TOP of that I have also run my own home business, losing sleep and now even having a "nervous breakdown" to keep up with everything on my on goals list! This has nothing to do with luck! Its all determination, drive, hard ass work, less sleep, but all wrapped in a tremendous amount of LOVE. I regret nothing! This is my lifes work and I am proud of it!

 So with all of this off of my chest the funny thing that happend was that I began to paint again. Not out of pain, or theraputic needs but out of the joy of making art!

 I have new pieces to share with the world. It seems that this art thing IS and always was part of me. So here we go....on to another successful and healing art journey! Join me, won't you?

Until next time-

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Oh dear, it looks like the tea has gone to the dogs!! {Welcome to our Mad Tea Party 2013!}

Welcome! It's time for our entry for the 2013 Mad Tea Party hosted by the illustrious hostess Vanessa V of A Fanciful Twist. If this is your first time hearing of such a thing then I encourage you to follow the link to find years past of wonderful Mad Tea Parties from around the globe and beyond!

  Here is our tale of a quite unusual tea party in Wonderland....

"Greetings my good fellow, So glad that you have made it to tea!" said the Hatter.

"Alice is Oh ALICE my dear come here and meet our wonderful guests! Oh where has that girl gone to?" said Hatter

 "Here I am!" shouted Alice, "I was talking at that pesky Cheshire cat....that pesky ol' cat... OH! Our guests are here! Hooray!" called Alice "How wonderful to make your acquaintance"

"It is so lovely to see you again dear Hatter" said Alice "Oh the treat is all mine, my dear." said the Hatter

 "Yes, how about some proper tea! Yes? I have already served you up some of your favorite Alice, Jasmine tea, plucked from the Red Queen's garden just this week!"

"Oh how delightful!" Exclaimed Alice as she anxiously began to lap up the tea "lap, lap lap"

"Wait a moment..."said alice, "Did you say this tea is from the QUEEN'S Garden???!!!??? Oh DEAR, won't she be furious if she finds us drinking her precious Jasmine tea from her garden?? Hatter! I might lose my head!" Exclaimed Alice

 "Well my dear Alice, you and your furry little head are in luck, for the Queen is away, watching the caucus race and won't be back until winter! So there is no good sense in letting all that lovely Jasmine go to waste is there?"

 "Oh Hooray!" shouted Alice and she began to dance a happy little jig all around.

"Yes it is quite delightful indeed" said Hatter, feeling a little embarrassed for Alice, for her dancing skills were a tad bit unrefined. "Come now and enjoy the tea before it gets cold, my dear"

"Happy Happy Happy, I'm so hap-'lap lap lap lap'-py!" She sang as she enjoyed her Jasmine Tea.

 "Oh Alice, you are positively Mad about this tea!" Hatter laughed then, talking to his audience, he said: "Did you hear that? I made a joke! Ha ha!" He said, feeling rather clever.

"Clean Cup! Move Down!" Shouted Hatter and they moved on to another cup of tea. Alice decided to do another dance to show her excitement for her fresh cup of tea.

 Alice spilled a bit of tea and began to lap it up "Must not waste a drop!" she said. "Oh Alice" sighed the Hatter.

"Its as if she were raised by wolves, I tell you, but her atrocious manners do not make me love her any less!" The Hatter explained to his audience.

"Yipeeee for Tea and Yipeee for Hatter!" shouted Alice as she began to dance again.
"Oh I could not agree more, my dear Alice, Yipee Indeed!" said Hatter

And this continued for the rest of the day. More Dancing. More tea and more of Hatter's silly jokes!

The End. 

Thank you for coming to our silly tea party!  Thank you to Vanessa of A Fanciful twist for hosting this annual event of whimsy! To attend many more wonderful tea parties from around the globe be sure to visit  here and view the side bar for a list and party away! 
Happy Tea Party Day!!! :-) 

 Ginger the dog, Chewy the dog and family!

Chewy as The Hatter
Thank you so much for coming to our Tea Party! We've enjoyed your visit immensely! 
See you Next year!!
Ginger as Alice

About the photos:
This years' players were our own "Ginger" the Pomeranian Chihuahua mix that we adopted from our local animal shelter in 2009 at one year old, played the part of Alice. Ginger is usually the one that behaves but she gave us quite the workout getting her to sit at the table!
The part of the Hatter was played by our other lovable rescue "Chewy" which is short for Chewbacca, whom we adopted in early 2011 when he was just a 4 month old ball of cuteness. He usually is a stubborn guy so we had quite the shock when we put on the clothing and sat him in the chair he stayed! Hat and all, he stayed and seemed to 'smile' at the camera!

My husband and I also have a photography business and we also have a rather large assortment of "Wonderland" themed props! (my guilty pleasure) 
We were so happy to put them to use again this year, with our "fur babies" which worked out better than we hoped.
 We do hope that you enjoyed it as much as we did creating it!

You can view our past tea parties here: 2010, 2011, 2012



Monday, June 17, 2013

Invitation to tea....MAD tea, that is...

I believe that this soiree alone is the reason I creep out of my bed so early, before the desert heat kicks in on these long and hot summer days in Albuquerque. Sewing, gluing, cutting, planning.... Yep each year for the last 4 years I LOVE planning for this amazing blog party hosted by the illustrious Vanessa Valencia of A Fanciful Twist. Every year seems more fun than the last. Just amazing and creative are the people that come out to this shindig. I am inspired for the rest of the year I tell you.

 This year we are participating again, but I find it hard to coerce my ever growing children to play with me as they have in past years (Click the year for our past tea parties in 2012 ,2011, 2010) so this year I may have to employ my canine children, whom, unlike teenaged children,  for a small treat will do much of what I ask of them with sincere pleasure. :-)
 Well I hope so anyway....

 Well I'm off to make SOMETHING, anything to keep my mind off this heat. 
Will check back soon,
 Do not forget to sign your blog up and join us, won't you? Even if you do not have a blog, wont you consider stopping by our parties? Click here for the official information!


Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Ha...just kidding...I'm back and I'm crazier than I previously thought...;-)

Yes yes yes...just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water... the goddammned shark bites out a chunk of your life and're bleeding all over the place....


 Yeah just days after my last posting, the one where I was feeling all happy...whole... and at body decided NO NO NO...

 What felt like a small case of "the nerves" on February 21st, after booking my first major photo shoot within minutes of announcing it on facebook, snowballed into my adrenal glands just going into overtime and shooting panic throughout my body every time I tried to rest. Even closing my eyes...shooting adrenaline...sitting down to catch my breath and rest....ADRENALINE... its pure HELL. Feeling so tired, so exhausted and something in your body WILL NOT LET YOU SLEEP, something out of your control, something unknown, something that feels a lot like torment....Yeah I lived like this for well over a month. Television and songs with other than purely positive vibes would turn on a fear response in me. I began to lose my grip on reality and spent much of the month of April just sobbing and crying out to a God that seemed to have turned His back on me.

 Not my best of times, to sum it up...

Art lost all meaning, creativity of any kind had died. I truly believed that I may die I saw no light at the end of my tunnel....all hope was diminishing rapidly...... BUT, with the help of my wonderful Husband, I still kept trying to get help out of this terrible episode, and I did.
As it turns out my God was always there and He lead me to the right place and the right Doctor to help me and to my lovely therapist, so I am starting to see light again. Turns out its Anxiety. Some serious anxiety. Scary stuff, but I am determined to figure out how to deal with, well EVERYTHING, better and not put myself through any sort of issue again.

So I am back in the "studio" once again.

Finishing unfinished pieces and starting new ones. Preparing painting surfaces and finding music that makes me forget where I am when I am painting....

Just now it hit me....Art...painting....This IS my form of meditation....I never realized this but the reason I had found so much peace before was that I was spending HOURS painting. In solitary. In my own comfort. Within my own mind.  Working things out in my mind as my hand moves paint around in a very therapeutic way.... thats the best way I can put what I do into words.

 As I paint, I put on music playlist and I literally forget TIME. IN fact ( well Im kinda ashamed at admitting this but  hell no one reads this blog anyway) I remember forgetting to go pick up my daughters from school the year before last, being so lost in my artwork, so happily lost in this meditative place that I forgot I HAD daughters to go get for that moment! Getting a call from them in the office was embarrassing because what could I say but "Sorry, I was painting"...which is what I said, embarrassed but it was the truth.

 I've since set an alarm on my cell phone 15 minutes before they get out to remind me "HEY YOU HAVE KIDS- GO GET THEM"  so that hasn't happened again.
  Anyways....back to the Art...

I started this piece last summer....

and it literally sat there untouched until this last week when I decided to finish it...well its very near done I think...

Its the Queen of Hearts playing card of sorts. I was kind of feeling my own duality of my own mortality. As I feel that I am really "Living" I am also, in fact, "Dying" we all do.

 So yeah, thats what I was feeling when I started it and I really FEEL it now after my little "episode"....Everything seems to have a deeper meaning.

 I mean, this life, so impermanent and ever changing. I can't help but wonder why people like me take anything so seriously. I mean it will all fade and be gone in the end won't it? Why worry? Why not focus on what FEELING you leave behind in others more than what others say or feel about you right now?
 No, everyone is NOT going to like me. Not everyone, especially the people I think SHOULD, are going to approve of me. But hey, I keep breathing anyway. Somehow I didn't die....right?  So why do I put so much weight in things so ridiculously out of my control? It causes so much pain,...and to do it to the point where I could not function? Sheesh.....

 Yeah, I'm gonna need a LOT of those wonderful therapy sessions in the future...yes?
That's ok, I kinda like unloading on someone that won't feel the weight of my suffering, therefore causing them suffering and the vicious cycle begins....
 Yeah that's nice. NOT doing that. :-)

Well I am off to see what other art I am feeling...

(wow it actually feels good to be blogging again.)


Monday, February 18, 2013


I have not written here in quite some time. I came to realize that in all my seeking to heal the pain of the past, somewhere along the way, I did.

 In the great and deeply poetic sadness I had felt, a mourning of sorts, also a searching for the source of this pit that never seemed to close within my heart, I found myself. Well I suppose one could say I found a reflection of my real self finally. The WHO I AM inside and not who others say I am.  I learned why I have had my self destructive habits and why I set myself up for disappointment, repeatedly and why I refused to see myself from this point back.

 Its all simple now, when we know better, we must then do better. There is no way around it. So once I was aware of the reasons that, up until recently, I did not love myself. I began to address each one (oddly enough I did this mostly though my art) I was unaware that my true self was coming through my artwork in bits and pieces.  Once I felt and odd sense of being done. So I took a moment to look back at all my works..... and there I am. A true reflection, better than any mirror, I really see me....

 In that "reflection" I was able then to pick apart every reason to love me. All of me. To love all that I have been through, all the experiences, good and bad. All the backwards and unkind things that I have felt and been subject to and have done. All the good and truly miraculous things I have witnessed and experienced. All of them sculpted me and continue to do so and I realize it was I that had the power, all this time, to decide if I will be a strong piece of art or a weak and shattered piece...I chose strong, and beautiful, and loving, and no longer broken....etc.

 You see we are all works of art, in process, even after we are gone. Our existence will effect others in this life and in the next and that is always part of the world of Art, engaging with others,and our lives are no different. Sculpted and molded with pleasure and difficulty, with ease and also painstaking processes. We are in part the creator of our own masterpieces. Ourselves, the WHO behind the flesh. The soul intertwined with the mind. Its quite beautiful, if you choose to see it that way.

 If you are not where you want to be, keep going, it may be a deep gouge in the clay that you are right now, but rest assured the end sculpture of your life can be great if you just keep moving. Don't stop and let the cracks form in your soul. It will get better.... tomorrow is new, and so are you, every day.

    So now, what does my future of art hold? I do not know. I still dream of big eyed characters but not too many make it into a full or finished sketch. Instead they give me creativity in other areas or simply bring a smile to my face when I need it and to me that is just as good. used to be my forte but alas I feel lost for words as of late. But it feels right and like all things that are new and different to me I will have to relax and go with it and welcome the lesson I will learn from it....

 Until words become my muse again, if ever...

I leave you with all the love one can type into an unread blog on the internet,

Related Posts with Thumbnails