Monday, February 18, 2013

Redefinition

I have not written here in quite some time. I came to realize that in all my seeking to heal the pain of the past, somewhere along the way, I did.

 In the great and deeply poetic sadness I had felt, a mourning of sorts, also a searching for the source of this pit that never seemed to close within my heart, I found myself. Well I suppose one could say I found a reflection of my real self finally. The WHO I AM inside and not who others say I am.  I learned why I have had my self destructive habits and why I set myself up for disappointment, repeatedly and why I refused to see myself from this point back.

 Its all simple now, when we know better, we must then do better. There is no way around it. So once I was aware of the reasons that, up until recently, I did not love myself. I began to address each one (oddly enough I did this mostly though my art) I was unaware that my true self was coming through my artwork in bits and pieces.  Once I felt and odd sense of being done. So I took a moment to look back at all my works..... and there I am. A true reflection, better than any mirror, I really see me....

 In that "reflection" I was able then to pick apart every reason to love me. All of me. To love all that I have been through, all the experiences, good and bad. All the backwards and unkind things that I have felt and been subject to and have done. All the good and truly miraculous things I have witnessed and experienced. All of them sculpted me and continue to do so and I realize it was I that had the power, all this time, to decide if I will be a strong piece of art or a weak and shattered piece...I chose strong, and beautiful, and loving, and no longer broken....etc.

 You see we are all works of art, in process, even after we are gone. Our existence will effect others in this life and in the next and that is always part of the world of Art, engaging with others,and our lives are no different. Sculpted and molded with pleasure and difficulty, with ease and also painstaking processes. We are in part the creator of our own masterpieces. Ourselves, the WHO behind the flesh. The soul intertwined with the mind. Its quite beautiful, if you choose to see it that way.

 If you are not where you want to be, keep going, it may be a deep gouge in the clay that you are right now, but rest assured the end sculpture of your life can be great if you just keep moving. Don't stop and let the cracks form in your soul. It will get better.... tomorrow is new, and so are you, every day.

    So now, what does my future of art hold? I do not know. I still dream of big eyed characters but not too many make it into a full or finished sketch. Instead they give me creativity in other areas or simply bring a smile to my face when I need it and to me that is just as good.

 Writing...it used to be my forte but alas I feel lost for words as of late. But it feels right and like all things that are new and different to me I will have to relax and go with it and welcome the lesson I will learn from it....

 Until words become my muse again, if ever...

I leave you with all the love one can type into an unread blog on the internet,

XOXOGioncarla
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