Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Ha...just kidding...I'm back and I'm crazier than I previously thought...;-)

Yes yes yes...just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water... the goddammned shark bites out a chunk of your life and shit.....you're bleeding all over the place....

AGAIN.

 Yeah just days after my last posting, the one where I was feeling all happy...whole... and at peace...my body decided NO NO NO...

 What felt like a small case of "the nerves" on February 21st, after booking my first major photo shoot within minutes of announcing it on facebook, snowballed into my adrenal glands just going into overtime and shooting panic throughout my body every time I tried to rest. Even closing my eyes...shooting adrenaline...sitting down to catch my breath and rest....ADRENALINE... its pure HELL. Feeling so tired, so exhausted and something in your body WILL NOT LET YOU SLEEP, something out of your control, something unknown, something that feels a lot like torment....Yeah I lived like this for well over a month. Television and songs with other than purely positive vibes would turn on a fear response in me. I began to lose my grip on reality and spent much of the month of April just sobbing and crying out to a God that seemed to have turned His back on me.

 Not my best of times, to sum it up...

Art lost all meaning, creativity of any kind had died. I truly believed that I may die I saw no light at the end of my tunnel....all hope was diminishing rapidly...... BUT, with the help of my wonderful Husband, I still kept trying to get help out of this terrible episode, and I did.
As it turns out my God was always there and He lead me to the right place and the right Doctor to help me and to my lovely therapist, so I am starting to see light again. Turns out its Anxiety. Some serious anxiety. Scary stuff, but I am determined to figure out how to deal with, well EVERYTHING, better and not put myself through any sort of issue again.

So I am back in the "studio" once again.

Finishing unfinished pieces and starting new ones. Preparing painting surfaces and finding music that makes me forget where I am when I am painting....

Just now it hit me....Art...painting....This IS my form of meditation....I never realized this but the reason I had found so much peace before was that I was spending HOURS painting. In solitary. In my own comfort. Within my own mind.  Working things out in my mind as my hand moves paint around in a very therapeutic way.... thats the best way I can put what I do into words.

 As I paint, I put on music playlist and I literally forget TIME. IN fact ( well Im kinda ashamed at admitting this but  hell no one reads this blog anyway) I remember forgetting to go pick up my daughters from school the year before last, being so lost in my artwork, so happily lost in this meditative place that I forgot I HAD daughters to go get for that moment! Getting a call from them in the office was embarrassing because what could I say but "Sorry, I was painting"...which is what I said, embarrassed but it was the truth.

 I've since set an alarm on my cell phone 15 minutes before they get out to remind me "HEY YOU HAVE KIDS- GO GET THEM"  so that hasn't happened again.
  Anyways....back to the Art...

I started this piece last summer....








and it literally sat there untouched until this last week when I decided to finish it...well its very near done I think...

Its the Queen of Hearts playing card of sorts. I was kind of feeling my own duality of my own mortality. As I feel that I am really "Living" I am also, in fact, "Dying"....as we all do.

 So yeah, thats what I was feeling when I started it and I really FEEL it now after my little "episode"....Everything seems to have a deeper meaning.

 I mean, this life, so impermanent and ever changing. I can't help but wonder why people like me take anything so seriously. I mean it will all fade and be gone in the end won't it? Why worry? Why not focus on what FEELING you leave behind in others more than what others say or feel about you right now?
 No, everyone is NOT going to like me. Not everyone, especially the people I think SHOULD, are going to approve of me. But hey, I keep breathing anyway. Somehow I didn't die....right?  So why do I put so much weight in things so ridiculously out of my control? It causes so much pain,...and to do it to the point where I could not function? Sheesh.....

 Yeah, I'm gonna need a LOT of those wonderful therapy sessions in the future...yes?
That's ok, I kinda like unloading on someone that won't feel the weight of my suffering, therefore causing them suffering and the vicious cycle begins....
 Yeah that's nice. NOT doing that. :-)

Well I am off to see what other art I am feeling...

(wow it actually feels good to be blogging again.)

xoxo,
Gigi
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