Friday, October 4, 2013

Centering

Centering, by this I mean grounding, balance, gaining clarity...etc.... you get it, I hope.

  The last few months have been a whirlwind of breaking down and being made whole again, but different, stronger and more mindful now.

 I believe that I am on the track of what I call  mindful living. Which is living for the present, not the past and not so much the future but to make the best of the hours that I have been given today, with gratitude and with purpose.

 I have spent a great deal of time reflecting upon the past. Given the anxiety I was diagnosed with forced me to do so. All I knew is that I didn't want to live with this crazy tightness in my chest and heart racing for no apparent reason and I DO want to sleep well without medication, so the only answer that I could find was to DEAL.

 Yes it seems it was high time that I sat and looked at all of me right dead in the face and confronted every single feeling of uneasiness, feeling of guilt, feeling of pain,including past pain and regret and trace each one to its origin and pick that event apart and release it.

 Of course with all of the many situations that I have been through and people that I have loved and lost in one way or the other- there was plenty on my plate!

 This would also attribute to my memory loss of the last 10 years or so. I have met people from my past that felt that they had a close relationship with me, that I could not recall for the life of me, spending one moment with them. EVER. Which I found disturbing as all hell! Also having said this I have had bad memories, that I had suppressed so deeply that they would completely floor me when, for no apparent reason they just came back to my mind with such clarity that it was unnerving to say the least.

 So here I am. Starting new again. Looking at all my mistakes and my triumphs and finding that I can and even want to embrace them, Why? because they are all what makes me...well. ME. And I am grateful for that.

 Most importantly my past is no longer tied up in my future, in my mind at least, it was and that is a mistake for anyone to make....

Validation- I've struggled with it for most of my life. I now can remember the exact time in my life when all the other people around me would or could not validate me for some reason. Whether it was my Aunts, cousins, parents, friends, I felt small and like what I felt and thought didn't matter to anyone. Now that I look back, yeah none of these people did offer any sort of validation but here is the kicker- what really mattered was how I felt about me. I didn't know that back then- that in the end, true validation comes from within. There is no way around that. If you are seeking a reason to love yourself through other people then you will forever be seeking, like a black hole, forever searching so desperately perhaps finding it in moments but never stopping because real love, well it only can come from yourself first. If you truly love yourself, then you will not feel the need to jump through hoops for others to look at you and say "Hey, you are amazing!" and then expect that at that moment you will finally begin to feel like "yeah I am amazing". NO that is not how it happens at all.

 What it's like is- One day you have to stop every "hoop jumping" activity, in order to gain that false feeling of "love" that you have been cycling through as long as you can remember. One day you have to stop and take a REAL look at yourself and try to see only the good things about yourself. You will find there are many if THIS is your focus....and it starts from there. Over time, you begin to see it in your face, your eyes have more joy, then others will take notice. Over more time, if you keep on looking at the good in you and finding more and more, you will feel it. That's the self love I am talking about here. Knowing that you, right now, are good and all the past, even the not so good stuff, brought you to this moment and guess what? You ARE good and loved and lovable and absolutely AMAZING! Without anyone else ever noticing it! Once you truly feel it, no other can give it to you but now you know what there is to love about you and you can accept that and nothing less!

 I used to know all of this at one time. In fact it took me experiencing the devastation of letting go of a 4 year long intense but highly toxic marriage, many years ago, for me to really start to find out how to love myself and I did that!
  But somewhere along the way I forgot it. I reverted to childhood I suppose and started to remember the feelings of not being validated and let those old habits come in. It probably started with my career plans not going as I had planned, when life seemed to spiral out of control then with an unplanned pregnancy and then marrying my husband but not in the dream wedding I had hoped for and not under the circumstances that I swore I would re-marry under....
 I laugh now because none of those silly details mattered. I have a great marriage now and great kids and though I struggle with validation being a stay at home mom versus being a career mom, making money and buying nicer things- well recently I have learned that it was all worth it. Me putting EVERYTHING into these kids and my family. Everyone, even people that really seemed to dislike me, have told me how wonderful my kids are and how lucky we are to have such a good marriage.
 My response is - Shit, luck had nothing to do with it! I have put my ALL into this ON TOP of that I have also run my own home business, losing sleep and now even having a "nervous breakdown" to keep up with everything on my on goals list! This has nothing to do with luck! Its all determination, drive, hard ass work, less sleep, but all wrapped in a tremendous amount of LOVE. I regret nothing! This is my lifes work and I am proud of it!

 So with all of this off of my chest the funny thing that happend was that I began to paint again. Not out of pain, or theraputic needs but out of the joy of making art!

 I have new pieces to share with the world. It seems that this art thing IS and always was part of me. So here we go....on to another successful and healing art journey! Join me, won't you?

Until next time-
xoxo
Gigi 



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