Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Growing, grounding and saying goodbye

      I have shared on here previously that I suffered from extreme Anxiety and nervousness. I have never made that a secret. I will tell you that it came at a time where I had the most financial success that I have ever had with the work of my own hand. It was a time of good things, new things and fun things happening. Suddenly, one day, a slight nervousness came over me after an adrenaline rush. These began to increase until suddenly I could not sleep, nor rest for even a minute. My body was stuck in a fight or flight moment and nothing I could do, say, think, drink, take or make would ease the severity of this feeling. This went on for weeks, then months, then I began to lose track of reality. I prayed for death at one point, if only to make it all STOP!

  But I did not die.

What did help? Well it was a combination of these-
Finding the right doctor to help me chemically.
Finding the right guru to help me spiritually.
Finding the right way to think.
Changing my focus.

Ok so a year later, I sleep. Though I wake with my heart pounding sometimes, its nothing like it was!

Now add something else to that.

Family Confrontation- This has very nearly CURED ME! No I am serious! My heart pounding issues are very weak now, I mean barely there. I sleep HARD now, much like I did when I was a child. I wake with lines on my skin from the bed sheets and drool! Which has not happened to me since this whole strange "anxiety" thing hit.

 Recently I shared my artwork with family members. Remember, my artwork is my therapy. I find things hidden within that I did not know I was carrying in my work. Thus, working through things and healing! Its fabulous!
 So upon sharing this personal healing piece I had 2 relatives take my work personally. I mean you would have thought that I put their names on the characters that I painted! LOL
  There being, the opportunity for me to stand up for myself, you see, the old family dynamic is that if one relative older than you gets offended, even if you didn't intend to offend them, then you must admit your wrongness and they have every right to treat you in the most disrespectful manner because we are of course "Family".

   Well though it rattled my anxiety at first, I was able to be loving and attempt to calm the feathers that were getting ruffled in these sisters of my mother. But that still wasn't good enough. they saw venom in my words and are now playing the part of the wounded victim, hated by me, and my art.

 Then they ran to their mother, my grandmother whom tried to say I worked for the devil in my painting.... which is beyond ridiculous... but knowing the religious fanatic that she is I knew she was trying to insult me. Then she tried to backtrack, then she just said in so many words "I have to choose sides because your aunts wont feel that I love them otherwise so I'm sorry, they have money and that is what I worry about most"

Me and my grandmother in 2012
 So I have had to let my grandma go. I mean really let her go. I've spent the last week mourning her. Though she is still breathing and now lives very close to me after years of living in another state, I have had to let her go.

 The surprising thing is that I was able to. Quite easily which is shocking to me. But I don't feel that childhood void anymore, I suppose that was due to my painting.

But either way my anxiety is gone now that my highly insecure aunts and  well meaning but misguided grandmother are gone.....


Also during this drama, MY MOTHER saw me for ME! She couldnt deny it, she really couldnt give in to the insecure relatives of hers this time, as she always has, she just could NOT and that alone has been amazing!

Also, my SISTER whom usually lashes out in a rage or stays quiet out of anxiety, did not stay quiet and did not lash out in rage! She really REALLY surprised me and I feel so wrong for ever doubting her but she showed a beautiful strength and ability to love during this whole thing, while also supporting my mother and I in our mourning of these relatives.

 I think it was HIGH time to let all this crap that really doesnt affect my daily life in the slightest really, but it was time to let it GO. To say NO I WILL NOT BE MOVED. To say I KNOW WHO I AM AND NEED NOT EXPLAIN WHO I AM TO YOU SO THAT YOU CAN FEEL BETTER. Especially after they came at me in the most disrespectful manner possible. I mean really, just because we share similar DNA does not give one the right to rudely cast assumptions and say that ones artwork is offensive. I think they could only SEE offense because it struck a cord within them that they have been running from or trying to hide all of their sad lives.

 So today I feel nothing but love and pity for them. I am hoping the pity will fade because I think that is out of the hurt I felt at being so misunderstood. But I still love these crazy relatives of mine very much, though I know more than ever that they have no more places in my story.

But the Anxiety is gone so this is a more sweet than bitter bittersweet chapter of my growth.
 I am more grounded than ever and in fact more creative. Oil paint is being used up at a high rate these days.... I have much to work through....

Can't wait to share!

With love and a whole lot more understanding of life I leave you.


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