Monday, July 7, 2014

The meaning of things.

 How has your summer been so far? That is if you are in North America like I am, I do hope its been good! Days seem to be just flying by here. Its been a very good summer for me and my children. We've been going all over town every day that we can. This is our last summer that my son, my oldest, will be under age and still in High school. Yes my young man starts his Senior year of High School in August. I have felt a rush of emotions and really am trying to seize the day with him in tow. He has his first job this summer and so time has become more precious with him. We're halfway through our summer break and I still have lots of plans for us as a family.

 In other news, I've had ups and downs this summer with this Anxiety thing. But I tell ya, I have learned a LOT about what triggers it and how to stop it with my thoughts and words. Amazing stuff, our thoughts and our words. They can create and kill anything, whether we acknowledge it or not. They are a powerful force. They determine the meaning of everything we experience.

 I've been painting again! Yes I have a few I am working on or re-working on at the moment. I had a hard time moving forward after my family accused me of painting them like a political cartoon of some sort. I explained that in this post if you want to know what I am referring to.

 I sat and really dug deep and asked myself the question "did I intend to paint my aunts? and did I intend to do it in a harsh manner?" I mean my twin aunts really REALLY got pissed at it along with their older sister my other aunt that I once lived with at age 15 when my mother didn't want me for a spell. So naturally I think, "It must be me that doesn't see things clearly." Or at least I thoroughly sit and reflect within to make sure what my motives were. (How I wish I wasn't the only one to do that in my family) 

 The answer I found within was and still is and has always been NO. It definitely was not about them. At least not in my reality. However remember, thoughts can change from person to person. I am not in control of how something I do is perceived. That is solely other peoples responsibility. It bares no weight in my perception. Well, Not anymore anyway. :-)

This piece above was, is and always will be about me! I think my twin aunts must really believe that they are the ONLY twins in the entire world to me. They also think that they hold much more importance in my life then they really do. Its not sad, its just the way things are.  I never felt very close to one of the twins, being that she lived in Michigan most of my life and I lived in New Mexico and she never really cared what was going on with me. The times I was with her she was rude and disrespectful because she thought that was what being older than someone in your family was all about. Knowing my family dynamic, you cannot really fault her for holding that misguided belief.

 The other twin, now that was a different story entirely. I loved her very much as a child because she would get silly with me and my sister and have fun and always seemed to be happy. She came to live in New Mexico to be near us when I was 14 (which now, looking back, explains a lot of why my mom sent me away at 15). I thought it was going to be great, and for a time, it was. But that time is over. I kept getting kicked out of her life, without notice, and without reason given. Then after a time she would welcome me back, without reason and I would go. Hoping to find that "fun" aunt I used to know. But I think she died somewhere inside that flesh of the person she is now. The last time I interacted with her, she had my grandfathers widow visiting her from Indiana, at her house and there was NOT ONE person in our family that she didn't verbally tear apart in front of me and my grandfathers widow! Not one family member! I mean gossip, gossip, gossip and playing the victim of EVERYONE in the family, don't you know that EVERYONE hates her and is jealous of her? Oh yeah, and hoping to find wisdom in my grandfathers widow, she just sat and shook her head and added to the conversation. Not gossiping, but adding fuel to my aunts victim fire. I felt so let down. It hit me that day that there was truly no wisdom was to be found in my elders. None.

 I remember leaving her house, in total disgust of my aunt, my grandfathers widow and myself for sitting there so long, listening and trying to point out anything good to stop the ranting. The evening ended with them purposely ignoring me while she showed my grandfathers widow her online farm game. Literally not looking up at me when I would try to talk or engage with any kind of communication with them.

 I promised myself that day that I would NEVER enter that house again and NEVER sit through that kind of talk again. It was hard because it really meant not being around my aunt ever again. She has an INSISTENCE on dwelling on the negative like no one you have ever known. She has a way of manipulating you into agreeing with her so she can feel loved. I mean you REALLY want to validate her so she can be happy even a little! Looking in from the outside I see now that she is very sick. Mentally sick in fact. She needs a lot of help that I just can't give. Though I have wanted to in the past, I know now, the help she needs is far beyond human capacity. So I have had to let her go. That was about 4 years ago. At first she didn't even notice that I was gone. I thought that was a good thing, that it would be easy to slip out of her radar once and for all.

 But I was wrong.

Well there is so much more I could add to this. Telling you the terrible things she has done, convincing herself and others that she is justified because I wasn't there to be abused whenever she called. I could tell you SO MUCH more negativity..... but I won't.

That is the ONE thing I have become ever watchful for. I mean my aunt didn't just get this way overnight. Its many generations of negativity that she is carrying. For that I feel a deep compassion for her. But I have to focus on my own thoughts and words, both spoken and written.

 For it is in your power to create your world. Your perception IS your reality. Whatever way you choose to perceive life (and YES it is a choice) is in fact your reality. Negative or positive, life itself is no judge of that only you are. So YOU create what you experience.

Think on that while I show off some of my new photographic artwork:


YES! Finally with the help of all that I have learned with photography and Photoshop I am FINALLY able to get some art out of my head that I didn't have to paint! I mean I LOVE painting but sometimes I get so absorbed in an idea that I can't wait very long to get it out, much less as long as it takes me to paint a piece! lol

 So If I could paint more realistically or shall I say surrealistically, I would have painted these photos above. Oh yeah there is that "Twin" thing that will most likely have my twin aunts egos set a flame. But the truth is about my painting and these photographs is that to me, in my mind, they are not twins, in fact they are not even sisters. They are one person. A duality if you will. I have some plans go bring them together slowly but for now they float and remind me of what I know of life.

 Incompatible- is me in a sense. I had a void in my heart and attempted to fill it with the love and affections of others but it never even made a dent in the loss I carried within. Not once.

Unfulfilled- is again me in a sense. And really everyone. Have you not, ever once, gotten what you wanted or tasted the fruit of perceived success and not felt what ever it was you expected to feel?
 I have.

So that's what these pieces say to me. That is what they are in my reality. To others, though they may see their unnecessarily large egos in it.... well that is also a reality I suppose. But that has absolutely nothing to do with mine.:-)

You can find my prints for sale here in my art shop on Etsy. 

On that note I leave you with my weeks musical muse. This song.... SO MUCH inspiration for me! I can't wait to show you...:) soon. {yeah I like to tease}



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